The Dying Love

I was floating. 

 I was taken to places familiar to me. And It was happening so fast!

I was on the road, but I wasn’t walking. I couldn’t feel my feet on the floor, instead I felt I was flying just above the pavement!

“I know this place” I said to myself when I saw the old oak tree.
 I had been there several times.

With her.

 I remembered the winter night when we made fire under the shade of that hospitable tree. We slept under the open sky with stars above us. I can still hear the roaring of the fire due to night breezes.

 The oak tree today wasn’t the one I knew. It was dying! 
It was shattered into fragments. I touched softly but it was so fragile that it busted into powder. It shared the moments of our love! 
It was a memento. Now its gone!

Suddenly I am on the road again! I can see people. But I couldn’t jot their faces. They were dressed but I couldn’t feel the colors. 
 These faceless people were sad. They were crying over someone! They were shouting in indistinct voices. I wanted to run! I felt I wouldnt be happy here!

I am playing guitar in a café! I guess that’s the place I am on my usual hours. I was sitting faced to the counter! I had flashes of her. Her smile! That was a difficult smile I guessed!

“oh my dog, what an elegance” I told to myself!

I couldn’t take my eyes off her! This was the first time I ever saw her in this place or maybe the first time I noticed! She was beautiful.

“hey, my friends say you are a smart boy..” the first ever lines by her to me. These words vibrated continuously.

 Louder and louder..

“…a smart boy”

“my friends”

“hey, my..”

I fell for her! It was reprehensible love! It was a failure since the start! We both knew but also I wanted a change! Rules of love can be amended I believed! It was a complicated relation of ours! Yet we cherished every moment!

Its night and I am walking below the street lamps! A girl with lipstick came and said,

“are you this sweet naturally or you are trying hard to be sweet to me” she had asked me this several times!

I don’t know why but I wished the color of the lipstick to be orange. The girl was looking straight to me! She was shy and nervous to talk to me! I moved my hands to touch her cheeks, she vanished!

 I am waiting for her in the usual café! I am giving her my special looks! She replies back with a wink!

I don’t want to leave this coffee shop! i want to call her, my voice disappears as an unheard scream.

I am not able to tolerate this! This can’t be happening!

I am beside her, far away from people! A place only she and I know! I am hugging her! I can feel the warmth of her body. We are kissing but again I can’t see her face! Something pulls me away back to the road I was floating!

I think of the plans of ours! Suddenly we are talking about adventures! How we both ran away from homes! How badly we both wanted to get drunken whole night doing weird acts and dancing below the moon on a shivery night! We plan for bungee and what not!

While I am having these thoughts, people are eyeing me from across the streets! I was time traveling and I was having a hundred visions at a time!

“I promise Isabel, to make you happy and to work hard to fulfill your ever wishes!”

I had said this everyday often. Those treks we would be having! I was just glad to be with her!

“I am in our café” she texted me.

 I am running wildly. 
Same road, curious eyes! 
Awaiting heart! 
I can wait no seconds to see her! 
I am just so impatient to be with her! 
I just miss her so badly!

All of a sudden my eyes get blurry! I can’t see anything in front!

Scary sounds of car horns.

People shouting and pointing towards me!

I saw the wide, fearful and guilty eyes right across the shattered windshild.

I went black.

I scream.

It couldn’t complete my cry!

“doctor. He woke up..look at his eyes”

“omg he should still be unconscious.”

I was breathing heavy! I was confused!

“you had a dream. Its normal for people to dream while in anesthesia. “

“I wasn’t dreaming.” I shouted.

“I know how I came here.. I know everything. Where is Isabel.?” I scream.

“Don’t touch me. I am fine! I know I was just touched by a stopping car..hey hey..”

Nobody was listening! i was shouting but my lips weren’t moving.

“Anybody listening to me?”

I felt tickling sensation on my legs.. I cant move them. Omg.. I cant feel my legs.

“doctor, something Is wrong with my legs.” I wanted him to know my woes.

No one heard me.

It wasn’t long before I knew I was in coma.

The only evidence that told them I was intact was my tears. I was crying without words.

I was crying. I wanted her to know. Our relation was a secret. Nobody knew we were dating!

“call Isabel”

“she is waiting for me in our café..tell her that I am here”

I heard them talking about my travel issues. They were taking me out of the country for treatment.

I wished she know why I wasn’t able to came to visit her.

 I turned my eyes around,

I heard the monitor on my side beeping in frightening way.

 I felt I was missing something here.

She was there. Lying helplessly. Pale and cold..

“Isabel, you hear us?” doctor was asking,

“okay, time of death-15:23”

 My heart burned and chocked when I knew she came for me when I was walking haphazardly.

The car had hit us both. It killed her and left me half alive.

The Reprehensible Affair

And when I looked into her eyes, I looked through here. That very second I was told by voices in my mind that I have something to offer, simply, I felt myself complimented to her.

 She was above me and looking at me, with her pseudo professional moves and (to me) seemingly grotesque objects in her hands she asked me to open up my mouth. I could only see her eyes.

But it was enough for me.

Enough for me to hear music from violin, I wasn’t on the hospital bed then, I was taken far away, to the houses of love and music but those were the houses of sands. They broke when she called out to me,

“open up” it seemed that I was lost into her eyes and I wasn’t paying attention anymore to her request to look into my oral cavity. I felt I had some sort of facial palsy that I wasn’t able to move my jaws. She took away my conscious. It was happening so fast that I wasn’t able to note things properly. She was all covered in green except in her eyes. I thanked they don’t have masks for eyes at least.

Again I was lost! And lost were the other patients and personnel around. I hoped we were alone! I wanted to believe they all disappeared there and then. I remembered all of my poems about eyes and wanted to recite one to her and explain how oyster fading are those.

“we are finished” she told. That was my fastest twenty minutes in my life. I wanted to be there longer, watching her making her face when she found something wrong or when she had no idea what was wrong. I just loved being there. I felt inexplicable attraction to her, like the exchange of graviton or some heavenly entities that was responsible for such monotonous adorations in such short instance.

I remembered “fifteen minutes”, a real time experience of my feeling attached to a girl in a bus!

This was way more complicated.

Here, there was chance that I to see her the next day. There was likelihood of us crossing roads together.

I knew it was unacceptable. But I too know that heart knows no rules. And at times we should let heart rule the brain breaking that transparent glass in front of sweets, preventing us from slamming our face when rushing for them.

It was short but it was real. It was hard too. How can I reckon her in public? I knew her eyes and hoped it to be enough!

And still I am searching her in crowds.

In buses and in crossroads.

She was my Cinderella and I was desperately looking out for her another shoe!

Winter

She is the only thing I remember of that year. She was my best friend but our friendship was more of one sided because it was only me who was communicating. She stood there, listened to me, but then it was the only thing that she did, listen! She never spoke or showed her heart to me, nor did I expect such intimacy from her.

She is the only one who knows me from head to toe, everything I had those months, my happiness, days of sorrow, solitary, she was there, just only as a statue with a stone heart L

Others took her as a bad omen, she took the life out of things, made them dry inside out. She took wishes of people to work and to feel, but It was me who embraced her with love and care, for she was only one thing attached to me and I have nothing else worth remembering than her. Evil they called her, she was cursed by slums and gypsies. Those with a chair in front of fire place and a roof liked her.

I wasn’t a slum, nor I had a fireplace, its hard to explain my love for her.

Love is complicated and is unconditional and is hard. It was a pain to have feelings for something that couldn’t response except reply with breezes of sorrow and mournfulness.

Though I feel attached to her, I like her. She reflects the months of struggle for me. She deflects hope that there will be a better tomorrow with a warm sunlight, so that no fireplace nor roof are criteria to have a feeling for her. So that slums and gypsies would hug her with emotions and let her stone heart to melt and then fill them with warm feelings.

I was crying and she sat beside me. Even when she was leaving, she showed no care. She had no tears to roll and no words to speak. She just came, stayed and left, I barely remember any sunny mornings or a sky full of stars then. Mornings had dews and I believed those were the tears left by stars before disappearing the night before. I had only one thing in me and it was hope. I had dreams of she having feelings for thunder and storms, I knew but also I couldn’t help myself to move on, I was in love with her. I was in love with her silence. I was in love with her breath taking personality. I was in love with her stony heart and wordless lips. I was and I am and I will.

 

gross lines....

There are friends, there were smiles,
You were there, there were miles,
Felt I you every day , before my long nights,
You are the only one dear, no one will reach those hights!

My love for you  is always Unconditional dear,
Yearning I am since years with wide eyes here,
Many came and many gone, you were dollar they were dime,
I love you baby and to express I don’t need time,

Wide Eyes

The one I love, that makes me blind,
Sit I on the porch with your smile on my mind,
Overwhelming smile, that steals my lies,
Even with my eyes closed, see I your wide eyes.

Yesterday wasn’t my day, i wasn’t me,
Both young and juvenile now I can see,
I was lost for years, full of hope and patience
You say u didn’t feel, But I have loved you ever since.

Maybe I am wrong to love, or maybe not,
Helpless I go when I perceive your heart,
Theres no stone I cant turn, no pain I cant bear
You are such a girl, for you I am always there,
But alas, I doubt if you even care I am here..!!!

You said I am crazy, you said I am mad,
But I swear I will be crazier tomorrow,
I will be there when u r happy, be there when u are sad,
I will be the reason for you smile, solution for your sorrow.

-dedicated too

Afterglow or melancholy?

this one is written especially for someone :)

Monsoon dusk and amidst the clouds, behold I the stars,
Sit I on the porch, with guitar and memories of hers,
The music of the rain, adding melody to my words,
Takes me back to the day when I had seen you first.

That broken smile of yours, that curious wide eye,
The moment I laid mine, no doubts thump my shy,
Questions had I, Questions that drove me nuts,
Thought I was brave, alas! I lost all my guts.

Mile away I am, still perceive your smile pleasant and bright, 
You were the obvious reason I didn’t see the moon tonight,
It was jealous of you baby, for I said you are only mine,
In that sudden blink you do, whole universe could shine.

I don’t believe in future for my nastiest enemy is time,
I would run for two years, if that would make you mine,
But still then yours won’t stop, like a fire in the hearth,
I will sing, I will write, I will fight, for you are always worth.

Fifteen Minutes

I was in the back seat of that bus, literally gazing at her. I was all ears and all eyes. She climbed on the bus and there were people with her. Her first minute conversation with her accompanies saddened me. I didn’t know she was there to farewell her relatives. I had no right to be sad too, I mean come on, a stranger in a bus how much do they mean to you, none ! but this was different. She was different.
She was so sure that I was stealing peeps. I too felt that she also checked me out often. It was like zeroed time. Well there’s chocolate in front of you and you rush for it, your face hits a transparent glass in front of the chocolate. I felt the same. How much I wanted to go and say hi, I feared I would hit a similar glass.
Her father was sick. She was alone and now she had to take care of her remaining family and business too. I figured out these by their talks. How much I wanted to know her, how terribly I wanted to forward my hands for friendship. There were her aunts and uncles, and it was so impossible for me to even get near to her, to tell her that I wanted to be her friend at this hour of her dark days. And to explain the need of this friendship by a smile.
I felt weak, I failed. What’s use of all those bulky novels that you read, or the pages you write when you can’t act when needed. When you can’t even express what you feel, whatever the circumstances are. I could do nothing more than to stare at her helplessly.
Though we couldnt speak, I heard her words. Words directed to me in the form of smiles and winks. I could translate her every notions, those broken smiles that she sent me and told me how tragic her days were and how badly she needed someone to understand her. She was on with her talks and I was there waiting for a miracle.
You are there and you see someone you cant keep your eyes off, you send a gentle smile. Its fine if she ignores you. But when she replies your smile with hers because she knows you cant approach and chat, its worst than a stab in your liver with a blunt weapon.
It was almost ten minutes and my eyes weren’t off her for even some seconds. Then she was turning towards me and talking to her people in a ill direction.
She knew exactly how I was feeling. She was aware of my helpless situation of not being able to start a conversation with this creature full of surprises. Then the engine started. She had to go. She made a face that meant confusion, regression and that blamed time for not letting good things happen.
I sat speechless. I wanted to get out with her, but I couldn’t even move.
We didn’t exchange real words then.
I wasn’t sure it that was happening. I mean how can one fall for a stranger just by the sight and then get blinded in just minutes. I never believed in love stories but that time I had slideshow of all the sad ending movies and stories. I guessed that was it. I hoped if Ariel was real and would help me. I wanted to believe in Genie and angels who make everything possible.
She climbed down the door and then I felt thousand pieces of broken glasses piercing my heart, one by one. I don’t remember whether my eyes were wet but I was sure I was broken before it even started.
It was fifteen minutes and I was in love or what I would say. I couldn’t explain myself what was that, I convinced myself things happen and that’s why love is love, powerful, like the music from Orpheus lyre.
I closed my eyes and then the bus was about to leave the station. My throat was burning and I felt it wasn’t my day then suddenly I heard someone calling through window, I saw her smiling, happily. She stretched her hand to give me a small napkin. It was written,
“if u felt the same, mermaid_sibs@yahoo.com”
Then this was it, and yesterday we had our first date after a month 

She Made a Face

          

I saw him looking at her like it was the first time he saw a girl; A beautiful girl. It was raining and he seemed to be nervous because the whole vicinity was becoming more and more romantic and yet he was bound for his words or expressions. She was also approaching him with a forced smile between dimples so cute.

I owe you some sentences before I continue.

I could remember the first time they met. People were out enjoying the downpour that day too. We all were returning from theatre. I was never involved in plays but my father insisted me to uphold classics. Children shouting and running without their shirts and lovers soaking themselves in the rain of love, and at this melodramatically set time, they were sharing an umbrella. Of course they were strangers.

I would like to explain how my entry was. At that downpour, I too needed a shade and then we three of us compromised in that same pink translucent umbrella. It was me to introduce with them at first. I asked them to come see me at my work the other day. They both were a new story to me, new characters of my unwritten tale.  And since then, we were more than friends.

She was good at words, best blend of beauty and brain and he was also good looking yeah congratulations to me.

Back to the line,

And then, I was looking at him without even blinking my eye, I could see the same look, look to a stranger. But there was kind of love as one would say, looking at his eyes. They say the eyes talk. He knew what he had to say and I guess she was also ready for her reply. But when I looked at her, I wasn’t happy then.

The road was empty due to the weather except this two people. I and my friends were under a self made shade. All of us were looking at them wondering when we could go home happy. It was going to be late for all of us.

Before a month, he had confessed me that he had had some feelings regarding her. I counseled him not to mix emotions when he had greatest chance to make his future. Yes I had made him sad but my words made no change on him.

The time was becoming slow for me. I could see him, he wasn’t smiling, as if he was so blinded by her love. The lines and curves on his face explained only one word, love. His love to her made it look so natural and I was kind of both happy with him. Memories took me back so fast that I nearly missed some seconds. She walked towards him carefully. Every steps calculated and her moves was so tender,

He waited her and then when they were close, the time came. The boy looked at her, bold face i felt. And then with a bunch of unopened buds of roses he knelt infront of her. The time was so perfect and the rain had added the inertia to the time.

“I love you Isabel, today and tomorrow, for good times and for the worst, in sorrow and joy. I promise to hold your hand even in the darkest of our days. If fate takes us apart, I promise Isabel, I will win the fate and claim my love for you.” He spoke as if he had rehearsed for a hundred times.

All of ours' heart escaped a beat when she opened to reply.

“oh, love, I too love you, now and always.” She replied.

Like five times before, she made a face that I didn’t like.

Sadly I repeated, “Cut!!, we will take another shot”

The Toothless Drunk

The Toothless Drunk

“What’s pleasure? Fellas?”

He gulped his last from the old fashioned beer glass. Whole thing seemed to be peculiar that night. His beer glass itself was an odd with pictures of deer and musk inscribed so well that it seemed to be painted in leisures after 45’s war.

“explain me boys, prove that you have seen the world!”

The time was so histrionic I thought.  This man always gets the attention of the crowd. He then ordered another pint for himself and another for the man who would explain pleasure to him.

“and ya, you all will fail if you put out words to explain pleasure.”

I myself took the table next to him with a soda and went through a comic book. The book, I guessed must have bought by one of the drunkards for his son and forgot to take back home. Anyways it helped me buy some time. The conversation on the other table was fire I would like to say.

This was usual Friday and it was like routine except there were many people tonight. Men who shout “TGIF” right from the bed and yes that’s their routine too. Oh yes, I forgot, it was mine too.

I looked at the pack of minds. Minds that thought had the idea to rule the world, yes rule literally. Sadly the ideas left them when they were sober the following morning. They all were eyeing the extra pint of beer  and were lost too, in the thought to define pleasure without words . it was a fight , not just to win the beer, but to win the pseudo-respect and  be hero of the unworthy gathering.

“ya ya ya! No ones it seems! You all caged birds, one legged pile of junk!!” and the beer spoke.

His fierce words didn’t make the men angry! It seemed as if he flashed light upon the bitter truth of their life. The man seemed to be confident, full of words and love to share those. The words came out like bullets from a sub machine gun, he started to blast.

“hmmm….. aahhhh” he closed his eyes! Inspired a deep air and exhaled them. The breathe touched everyone of them.

“pleasure , only a false writer can explain in words. What oxford dictionary? How can a feeling be transferred into words,”

“look”

He then stood on the table, asked a punk to hand over his glass,

I saw him extending his hands wide open nearly punching a punks nose. It wouldn’t matter even if he had really punched him. He was worshipped as I saw from my place.

He took a mouthful of the bitter beer and closed his eyes and then swallowed his heavenly juice.

“aaahhhh!” he shouted.

“now my boys, this is pleasure. Drinking beer, infront of all you wise chaps, and feeling your love and your attention that is running through my veins, this is pleasure. Yes pleasure”

Applauds were heard on each nooks and I too had to refill my soda. Some had tears while others were hugging each others. The conversation was already getting on my nerves. I was literally the only man who was fresh and sound.

But it was a habit, for me. Every Friday, It was the same, just different listeners.! Yet by looking I could feel as if they knew each other since months.  I had to prepare myself for this. Prepare and heat some patience and clear my ears.

 I ordered some chicken wings for myself and looked at the brotherhood.

Brotherhood, sunk in the lake of love and trust built of feelings depending upon soberness.

“I want a company”, entered a man with moustache curved and circled two times. The curved curl of his moustache was like drooping wig of an English judge. He seemed to be furious or sad , god knows. But surely he wanted someone to spill his feelings.

I wasn’t happy as this man’s entry would surely increase my stay in the pub.

“oh so you are a preacher here huh oldman?” he pointed to the drunk in the center. My wings got stocked on throat upon hearing this. So I thought I too should join the group, afterall this unanticipated entry with unexpected energy seemed to bring something new. I wasn’t feeling right.

“I hope your second line will stop in your neck pal, and if you wish for company better speak roman when in rome.” A punk defended.

While this was on, the man on the center was all thinking and maybe calculating about this visitor, he grew red and then asked him to join them. It was going dark and I thought my silence tonight was being too much expensive.

“let me correct you young man, I am 44 next Friday, and if you have ears or heart methinks you are welcomed.”

Wars are always bad, but if its between ideas, its more disastrous than between guns. This two heroes from their own untold stories began talking and later shouting at each others when their ideas and views seemed to contradict.

One speaking louder then another and then louder and louder it went, both blind and confident.

Nobody liked the visitor the way he was treating and mocking our man. Everyone around started eyeing  him. Even I was making my fist ready.

It was too dark and too intolerable to me that I acted once and for last,

I went right into the center and looked at him.

“ Dad, this much is okay for tonight. Keep some for next week” 

“and yes, mr young or mr nobody whatever you are, you think you outrun my dad,

Explain him what pleasure is, and without words”

Everybody laughed and we returned home.